The Darkest
by Brinkmess
Summary: Harry must fight an evil so dark, so deadly and stupid, and he must fight it alone without the aid of his friends! Did we mention it isn't Voldemort either? Contians serious Twilight bashing.
1. Chapter 1

Author's note- There are a lot of things to be thankful for this thanksgiving. Now, I know a lot of you are not from the U.S, some of you who may be reading this may come from Asia or Europe or some other country. Nevertheless, I think this story should be read. We can learn a lot from this story.

I also want to add that I'm being funny here and that I really am not taking this seriously. I hope nobody gets too offended by this, and simply sees this as a humorous kind of fan fiction. I mean...this story barely has a thousand words or something. My normal rate is well over 4,000 so you can tell I'm just screwing around here.

Warning- Major OOC-ness here. I know it's not my thing, but this is an exception. Nothing bad happens now, but there will be some slightly mature scenes later.

* * *

Chapter 1

Apocalypticallas Twilightis

Harry looked around the common room in disgust as he viewed upon several Gryffindor students all clustered about, reading a very familiar book. He could see Neville flipping through the pages of a thick black book, on the cover…chess pieces. Harry shivered; he knew that book had absolutely nothing to do with chess; otherwise Ron would have mentioned it. No…this was a book of pure dark magic, a magic so evil that the very mentioning of its name was proven to kill a kitten somewhere. He glanced over to Ron's older brothers; Fred and George. Both of them had a thick black book on their hands, both of them reading at the same pace. Harry stared nervously at the black books in their hands, both of them decorated with a red lacey cloth of some sorts.

"This cannot be happening," Harry muttered nervously. He shook his head. No, Hogwarts was a school of intelligent students. Surely…this must be some sort of a joke.

The young wizard shrugged it off and decided to leave the common room. No, this was some sick twisted joke, and everyone was trying way too hard to trick him. He could understand if a few were reading this book, but every Gryffindor student? Nah, it could not be real…it could not be real at all!

Harry didn't get far to his next destination. He walked down some stairs and stopped halfway when he took notice to a few first year Hufflepuff students. They were all girls, and all of them were giddy with delight. Rather than wear their robes, they instead had black tees on…and on the tees were the forbidden words; Team Edward.

Harry then made a run for it.

He ran and ran and ran, knowing there was only one place he could go to when dark times made their way into Hogwarts; Dumbledore's office. Yes, that was the only place for him now.

The great Wizard had warned him of the great evil, but Harry never thought it could happen, and so quickly too!

Harry felt sweat run down his face as he ran quicker, knowing he had little time to prepare for the dark battle that so lay ahead of him. As he made his way through the halls, he saw Draco Malfoy, dressed top to bottom in very inappropriate clothing, as his shirt had a shirtless Native American on it. Harry stopped for a second and noticed that Crabbe and Goyle were both arguing over something, and Draco was also in the strange feud as well.

"She should be with Edward," Goyle said in a whiney and disgusting tone. "They were meant for each other!"

Draco and Crabbe both shook their heads.

"Jacob is practically her soul mate," Crabbe said. "They've known each other for years, plus Edwards a dick!"

"Yeah," Draco confirmed. "Edward doesn't deserve her love! Jacob is a much more suitable lover for Bella!"

"Edward!"

"Jacob!"

"He's a vampire!"

"Jacob's a shape shifter!"

"He's the love of her life!"

"He's her soul mate!"

"Skin of a murderer!"

Harry shook his head in disgust. He had never felt so sorry for Draco in his life…ever. Seriously, if he had a gun right now, he would have shot Draco in the head, just to put him out of his misery.

Harry took off once more, his mind set on more important things. He had to hurry to Dumbledore and hope the wizard would have a plan right now. And a good one too. This was something he had never thought would happen to him.

Harry stopped once more as he passed the Great Hall. He could see a bunch of Hogwarts students, first through seventh, and all of them had a black book in their hands. The disease…it was getting worse.

Harry looked at the many students, some of them talking about Jacob and Edward, others talking about Alice and Jasper, about shape shifters, about magical powers that vampires somehow achieved which in itself was pretty darn stupid to begin with.

But then something caught his eyes, something he had hoped he would never see.

His eyes widened in horror.

"No…," he said in a shaky voice. "It…it can't be…"

Harry forgot about Dumbledore and hurried into the hall, his eyes watering with tears as he made his way closer to his beloved friends. Ron and Hermione were sitting together, and in their hands were the books of evil.

"Roooooon," Harry yelled as he swiped the book away from Ron's hands. He grabbed on to his best friend and shook him by the shoulders.

"Why Ron, why," Harry yelled.

"Oh Harry," Ron said with a dreamy look in his eyes, "you wouldn't believe it! Edward and Bella get married, and they go and have their honeymoon-"

"Shh," Harry said as he placed a finger on his friends face. Ron had it bad…it might even be fatal. Yep, just the look on the redhead's eyes told him that it wouldn't be too long before his IQ dropped a fifty points or so. "It…it will be ok Ron," Harry stammered, trying to keep himself from crying.

"But it's so romantic," Ron said, his eyes glazed in a layer of stupid. He looked over to the messy haired wizard next to him, "right Hermione?"

Harry stopped breathing, he had forgotten about Hermione!

Harry dropped Ron and then turned his attention to Hermione; she too had the book in her hands. He pulled out his wand and aimed for the book. He knew prying a book out of Hermione's hands was impossible…he would have no choice but to rid of it with magic.

"Accio crap," Harry yelled. The book began to quiver and was immediately pulled away from Hermione. Harry grabbed the book and threw it to the floor next to Ron's book. He sneered at the flowery cover and felt like throwing up…but he knew he still had things to do.

"Expulso," Harry said in a very upset tone. The books exploded...never to be seen again.

Harry turned to Hermione and grabbed her in the same fashion as he did with Ron.

"Why Hermione, "he asked. "You were so smart…so full of potential."

"Harry," Hermione said with much enthusiasm. "Can you believe it? Edward and Bella had this adorable little baby, and she's so smart too. Her name's Re-"

"Hermione," Harry said in shock, "why would you even read such a terrible thing? It's so predictable. There is hardly any character development…there's hardly any decent characters in the story."

"Oh, and Jacob imprints on her too," Hermione continued, not paying any attention to Harry as he tried to save her from the sickness.

"Now is not the time to talk about pedo werewolves," Harry said angrily. "Hermione, listen to me; I need to know where you got those books!"

Hermione looked around the room.

"Where's Breaking Dawn," she asked Harry. "Oh nooooo, how will I ever find out what happens at the end?!"

"Nothing happens at the end," Harry said. "The ending is shit!"

"Skin of a murderer," Ron said randomly.

Harry sighed and wiped the sweat and tears from his face. He was not going anywhere at the rate he was going. This was a waste of his time. He needed to go and find Dumbledore and get this carp out of his world.

"How," he muttered, "how did it get here…?"

Harry sighed and stared down at his friends who were both looking for the books he had destroyed not too long ago.

"Don't worry guys," Harry muttered, "I'll save you…"

"Skin of a murderer," he heard Ron say once more. He simply shook his head.

And Harry left the Great Hall, his next destination; Dumbledore's office.

He would find out what was going on here.

* * *

And that's chapter one. This will probably be a two-shot, maybe three chapters max. I'm not a big HP writer, and I do not plan to do a lot for my first time writing one. But I will try to make the next chapter betterthan this one...that is, if you want me to continue this.

Reviews much appreciated.


	2. Chapter 2

Note- As you may have noticed, this is longer than the first chapter. I just thought you should know...that this will be the longest chapter for this series. I am not taking this seriously yet. though, i have to admit-the whole explanation thing was pretty good. Anywho-enjoy this stupid story. So, would this be a crossover?

Listen-This is a parody. do not let this get to you if you are a major Twilight loser ok?

* * *

Vampirius Cedriculous

Despite knowing the route to Dumbledore's office, it should be known that it took Harry a good eight to nine days to get to his office. During this time, he was busy going through shrouds of tween fangirls, each one hoping and praying that one day they be married to a Mr. Edward Cullen. Some of them settle for his lesser known relatives, but that wasn't really saying much. Not that Harry really cared to begin with. We wont go into this though, as like most fan girls and fan girl topics…it would be repetitive and oh so very stupid. And this story ids not stupid. It is ridiculous. But after the days of running about-he was to the door of the famous wizard's office. All he had to do was go in and talk to Dumbledore and-

"Oh my Rowling!!!!" Harry screamed as he stood at the opened doorway.

Harry was aghast with what he saw when he entered the room of said Albus Dumbledore. He was expecting all sorts of things-but he was not expecting this. The room was covered in Twilight posters. The poster with all the characters from the first move, a few posters with Bella and Edward together, a poster with just Edward or some other lousy vampire character, a poster with the werewolves, a poster with just Jacob, a poster with everyone from the second movie, and for some reason, a poster of Zack Efron. But this was not the worst of it. There was a Twilight and New moon blanket strewn across the tables, a necklace with the Cullen family emblem, a twilight keychain, several Team Edward articles-and a poster- and….ugh, an Edward action figure.

Harry shook his head in disgust as he carefully made his way through the room, trying his beast not to touch anything while he was there, less he be infected with AIDs or something. He looked about the terribly decorated room, eyeing it carefully as he tried to look for the professor. Surely Dumbledore did not leave him in a time of worry? I mean, sure…he wasn't there when he fought Voldemort or the Basilisk, and he wasn't there when everything was going to hell during the Twiwizard Tournament…but he was sure Dumbledore would be here now…of all times?

The young wizard glanced at the table that was scattered with all sorts of Twilight referenced things. He shook his head. Why would any of this stuff be in the professor's office? Dumbledore was a wise wizard, an amazing man full of accomplishment and sorts. He would never go as low as to but these things. No, he wouldn't even use magic to make them poof into his room.

Heh…poof.

Harry sighed as he realized that Dumbledore was nowhere to be found. Where could have his professor gone to?

"Looking for something Potter," an ominous voice said from out of nowhere. "Or better yet...someone?"

Harry stiffened up, but being used to random surprises, quickly turned around and faced the mysterious person who had spoken to him.

Blue eyes widened in horror, curiosity, and even more horror.

Standing there before him, on Dumbledore's table, with a red and delouse apple, was none other than Cedric Diggory.

Harry was silent. Right off the bat Harry realized there was something wrong with him, Cedric that is. His hair was up in a strange fashion, and his skin had been painted with a white paste, giving him a strange pale look. Think Voldemort…but not nearly as good. His skin seemed to gleam in the light…which usually meant that he was in some need of Pro-active, but in the world of Twilight, it meant something very different. Something bad. Something very bad.

But this was only the tip of the iceberg. For you see, any good Harry Potter fan, whether they only be watchers of the film or readers of the book or both, knew that Cedric standing on Dumbledore's table…how did he get there anyways, was impossible.

Why?

Well, Cedric was dead. He had been dead for awhile now. Harry knew this personally since he had been there at said death of said Cedric Diggory.

"But," Harry said in awe, as he had never figured something like this was possible. He wasn't taught about horcruxes yet, so this was actually news to him.

"But what, potter Cedric asked, "but what…let me guess-you want to know why I'm here…?"

"Well, I …actually…yes," Harry asked.

"Yes, I knew you wanted to know that," Cedric said, giggling just a bit as he did, "I knew because…I CAN READ MINDS!!!" Cedric smirked powerfully at Harry, his face full of pride.

Harry took a step back. It seemed like the right idea. When people say things like that…you really should back away a bit.

"Look." Harry said, "I'm going to assume you coming back from the dead, and looking like a sad little emo, is a normal wizard thing." Harry sighed, "Look Cedric, I got to go find Dumbledore, and if you…I guess you can help. Just don't stink up the place with your dying scent or something…"

And with that, Harry continued to look about the room, ignoring the pasty colored man.

He looked through the drawers.

He looked underneath the desk.

He lifted up the rugs.

And just as he was about to open up the closet door, as it seemed likely Dumbledore might be there, his eyes widened again as he came to realize something.

"OMIGOD," Harry said as he turned and faced Cedric. "You," he said, pointing at the dead wizard, "you did all of this!"

"Right you are Potter," Cedric said with a maniacal laugh. He jumped from the table he was standing on for a good twenty minutes and walked up to Harry with the speed of a really fast animal. Like a rabbit.

"Why," Harry asked, his face full of undeniable rage, "our worlds have always gotten along-Cedric- why now…?"

(The following is a long plot line that will help explain the reason as to why this is happening. If you do not feel comfortable with this…just skip a few paragraphs…it won't be long, I assure you)

"Because Potter," Cedric said with a smirk, he bared his teeth just a bit, exposing two sharp canines, "For the longest time your world has been the favorite of many. For more than ten years, people have dressed up as you, children dreamed about coming to this school…and you have always been the beloved boy who lived."

"Yeah," Harry said, "I know about that-tell me something that isn't knew." Harry said this with some spite, as Harry was not all too proud of this. In case you forgotten-this kid has to deal with a person dying every year-so he wasn't all high in mighty about being the boy who lived. "That still doesn't explain why you're attacking our world!?"

"Yes well," Cedric continued on to prattle, "you see Potter-I want that fame and glory…but I never got it…"

"You had it," Harry said in retort, "Remember the Twi-"

"I wanted more than just one year of glory…I wanted a lifetime," Cedric yelled in anger. "I wanted what you had, but I was never going to get it!" Cedric continued to whine, "But now…now I have it. I have all the power I could ever ask for…and more!"

"Yes," Harry said, "you have your power…and I have mine, but why go so far as to send your evil to our world? You havemillions of twelve year old girls and forty year old women who read your stuff every day...why take it here?" Harry frowned, "Dumbledore would not be-"

"I don't give a rats-ass about Dumbledore," Cedric interrupted.

Harry gasped, along with the several million of Harry potter fans.

"You said it yourself," Cedric said, "I have fans…but my fan base is nowhere close to yours." Cedric frowned. "I want more, don't you see. I want my world to be seen as the greatest power in the world! I want more than pre-puberty girls, stupid high school dropouts, and single lonely woman-I want everyone! You have everyone!"

"So you sent your books to my world?!"

"Yes," Cedric said, "Everybody reads Harry Potter-and when they see everyone in this world reading my books-I am sure to gain popularity!"

(It's over now…)

"You MONSTER," Harry spat.

"I am a monster Harry," Cedric said. "I'm a murderer…just look at my skin!"

"You have a lousy hairdo…you lack a real personality, and your skin is in need of some oil wipes," Harry said in anger.

"Tell me," Cedric said. "What am I?"

"…"

"What am I Potter," Cedric asked, his voice at a whisper, "better yet-who am I?"

Harry turned away, looking quite disturbed as he did. His word was under attack, and by none other than the guy he had tried to save. He dragged Cedric's body back to Hogwarts…and this is what he gets?

"Edward," he answered.

"Say it, louder," Cedric said, grabbing Harry by the shoulder and turning him around. "Say it!"

"Edward Cullen!"

Edward laughed, "That's right potter, I am Edward Cullen-the main character from Twilight. I am over 100 years old, but I appear to be forever 17. I have a thing for girls whose minds I can't read-and I want nothing more than to love a girl who-"

"No one wants to hear your life story," Harry yelled.

Edward frowned. Or smiled…it was really hard to tell, with him always looking the same and all.

"Say what you want," Edward said with a frown/smirk, "I will have you converted just like everyone else."

"I'll never read your books," Harry said.

Edward smiled/frowned/smirked/??? At Harry's comment, as it were some sort of joke. "Who said anything about reading my books?"

Harry stood aback, his face still holding much confidence. He had to admit, he was a bit frightened…but he did not worry too much. Dumbledore would come, and everything-

"Dumbledore will not be coming anytime soon," Edward said in a very monotone voice. Sort of like Cloud from FFVII or Xemnas from KHII-but even more droll, because he was a sparkling vampire. "I can read your mind...remember, cuz I'm a vampire."

"What have you done with Dumbledore," Harry demanded. He pulled out his wand, something that he probably should have done a long time ago…but didn't. This delayed action, which happens just about every time something messed up happens in a Harry Potter novel proves to us, that Harry is just awesome-for if it was anyone who took there time to pull out there wand-they would be dead. But Harry never dies…so that must be proof of something. Let's see Bella pull that off. "You didn't make him read a book…did you?"

"Unfortunately, he was too strong to force," Edward said, "I could not get him to read my books."

"Hah"

"Don't be so quick to laugh," Edward warned. "For he still being delt with!"

"What," Harry asked, "but how?!"

"I had the wolves take him away," Edward laughed/cried, "and guess where they've taken him?"

Harry was silent.

"They took him to…see…"

No, he wouldn't…

"The brand new, box office hitting smash," Edward continued, a drum rolling away as he did.

"You-you wouldn't," Harry said nervously.

"NEW MOON," Edward said.

"NO," Harry said.

"Yes"

"NO," Harry said again, aiming his wand out to Edward. He wasn't one for shooting spells out to strangers, but now seemed like a good time as ever. Hmm, which of the three unforgivable curses should he use first?

But before Harry could do anything, a hand grabbed him and forced him down to the floor. He was pined to the floor, a body on top of him and keeping him a fixed position. Harry heard the dull and dim laugh of a female, and right away-he knew who he was messing with.

"Bella Swan," Harry spat in disgust. He couldn't see her face, but he could easy picture her bland expression, and those two front teeth that were, for some odd reason, extremely noticeable.

"That's Bella Cullen," Bella corrected.

"Ughghghgh," Harry moaned.

"Bella," Edward said, "what did I tell you about doing dangerous things?! Harry is a wizard and could have hurt you-I would have no choice but to blame myself and feel sorry for myself and whole existence if he did!"

"Oh Edward," Bella said, "I had to follow you. I love you. I'm nothing without you. I need you in order to live. I am your love, and you are mine. I haven't had a good look at you for twenty minutes. I love you. I love you. You are so sexy. You are my vampire. I love you. I have a picture of you in my wallet. I love you. Without you, I would be forced to drive a motorcycle, get into a deadly fight with some Jamaican vampire, get attacked by giant wolves, fall in love with Jacob, and jump off a cliff. So beautiful and pale and glowing in the moonlight and sunlight and twilight…"

Her speech went on for a good five pages, resulting in the end chapter of this story.

…

…

…

…

…

No, I'm just screwing with you. Her speech went on for a good thirty minutes, resulting in Harry falling asleep. But he was soon woken up as he was being tied to the chair. He opened his eyes and gasped. He was tied with rope, and his wand was nowhere to be seen.

"What the heck," he questioned.

"I'm tying you up," Bella said stupidly.

"No kidding," Harry said. He turned to Edward and glared angrily at him. "You'll never get away with this."

Edward rolled his eyes and pulled out a DVD.

"What are you doing," Harry asked.

"I said I will convert you," Edward said, "and I plan to do so…no matter the means." Edward removed the disk and showed it to Harry. "Twilight- directors cut…with added commentary…from none other than Stephanie Myer."

"You…make me sick," Harry said.

Edward smiled/ broke into a vampire rage. "Soon, you'll be just like your friends…"

"A mindless idiot who apparently knows nothing of love," Harry asked.

"…"

Harry smiled.

"Shut up," Edward said finally.

"I love you," Bella said.

Edward put the disk into the wizard DVD player and turned on the wizard television. He moved the heavy object over right in front of Harry. Harry squirmed miserably, trying to look away from the main menu that spelled disaster. He had never been so afraid in his life. Dumbledore was as good as dead, his friends were as good as stupid, and he was about to be brainwashed into a silly little fan boy.

Harry tried to close his eyes, but Edward was quick .He had been a wizard once, so using Harry's wand, he cast a charm to prevent Harry from blinking. So Harry was forced to stare at the screen of doom.

Luckily for Harry-he was a good guy. A hero. And like most hero's, there was always something to help him in the nick of time-not matter how odd it may be. Or plain stupid…but we can work with that.

"Avada Kedavra," screamed a voice from absolutely nowhere. The green ray flashed out of and hit the Television, causing it to explode into a billion pieces, saving Harry from a horrific death.

Harry turned as best as he could to see who had saved him. Bella and Edward were on the floor, completely stupefied with what had just happened. Or they could have remained the same…stupefied really isn't something new to them and their personality.

Harry's jaw dropped as the wizard who had cast the spell appeared before him.

"Voldemort," Harry said in shock. "But…?"

Voldemort sneered at Harry, and then to Bella and Edward, but mostly Edward. He pointed his want to Harry, and the rope that tied him down disappeared into thin air. Harry, rather than question the act, got up from the seat and claimed his wand-which was now lying on the floor.

"Why," Harry asked Voldemort.

"Why, Potter, why," Voldemort questioned in his dark and emotional voice-a huge difference compared to the ones in the past few pages. "I'll tell you why!"

Voldemort pointed to Edward and Bella, who were busy touching each other to make sure the other was safe and sound, and made a sickening face. "You were about to get destroyed by that!"

"…I see your point," Harry said.

"I want you dead, but I will not have your life taken away by some fruity vampires," Voldemort said.

"You said fruity," Harry said, how very out of character of you."

"Forgive me," Voldemort said, "I am just so…I cannot believe they would have the audacity to enter our world and try to destroy it! That's my job!"

"I completely understand," Harry said.

"So, though it may seem a bit strange and out of touch," Voldemort said, "but I think we need to work together…"

"I agree," Harry said, "we may have our differences, but if we ever want things to go back to normal we have to set than aside and-"

"You have got to be kidding me," Voldemort said suddenly. The dark lord watched Edward stand up and dust himself up. All his clothing, aside from his pants, had been destroyed in the explosion. He was just all skin and pants now…as luck would have it.

Edward stared nervously at Voldemort.

"Why does everything I kill keep coming back to life," Voldemort questioned.

"I'm a vampire," Edward said.

"Shut it," Harry said.

"Potter," Voldemort said.

"Got it," Harry said.

The two wizards aimed their wands at the vampire.

**To be continued…**

* * *

So, there will be one or two more parts to this story. As said before, I do not plan to do a lot for my first HP fic. I also have a lot of other things to finish. However, I do want to thank those who did review and favor me. That was nice.

Reviews are appreciated, as well as flames.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's note- Wow, even more people reading this than before. This really makes me happy. Too bad I can't make this a series. There will be one more part to this story after this chapter-then I'm finally done. I just want to say; I have read the Twilight saga. Yes, I'm ashamed to say that I do know the stories, and I've wasted a week of my time reading through all four books. So-I know for a fact that this should, and deserves to be made fun of. When you waste your rime reading through a bland story where only the utterly predictable happens you deserve some sort of vengeance.

Also, this chapter is not as funny as the last two. It has a lot of Twilight attention too, so be careful when reading it. I also lied about my last chapter being the longest…this chapter is longer than ten pages, making it my longest yet, and I expect the next one to be longer!

Disclaimer- I wished I owned Harry Potter. Wouldn't that be freaking awesome…

* * *

Intelligentfy!!!!

Voldemort and Harry took the time to think out a plan as to how to approach this battle. Edward was, despite being sparkly and all, a vampire. Vampires are still pretty badass, and the last thing either of them wanted was to deal with him doing something that might actually be somewhat close to bad. Like…throw a punch…or a mean stare…something Edward like. This difficult thought process took a few days to think through. There were many strategies and spells that were out there, but only so many would work against a vampire. And even then, killing a vampire was a most difficult task.

But, it was around the noon on a Thursday, around this time both wizards realized something. The way to kill Edward...was to first kill Bella. But killing Bella was a very hard chore to do too, if not harder. Like Harry, Bella was a kill magnet…but everyone knows a kill magnet is practically immortal? Why? Because kill magnets always have something or someone to protect them. In this case, it would be Edward. So how to kill Edward in order to kill Bella in order to kill Edward…yes, this was a very difficult task to perform.

Until they remembered the commercial for the movie, in which case the task suddenly became a lot easier. Harry and Voldemort had never bothered with the books-but if they had, god forbid it; they would have realized that the main weakness of Bella and Edward Cullen was simple-themselves. If it weren't for the fact that the commercial showed Edward pushing Bella to safety-resulting in her crashing into furniture and breaking several bones and slicing her skin up even more, making the save look more like a overdone thrill kill-they probably would have taken a much more serious attempt to save the world from this evil.

But luckily they didn't.

"Avert your wand, Potter," Voldemort said as he now aimed his wand at Bella. The dim looking teen stared dimly at Voldemort with her dim expression, not all too sure what to do as, unlike Harry, she could simply not fend for herself. Bella was like a mentally disabled infant-she pretty much spelled out disaster…if she could only spell.

"Right," Harry said, aiming his wand at the young women as well.

Edward gasped/laughed at this action.

"You dare aim your weapons at my Bella," Edward questioned. He growled in anger/ spite/I have no idea and pulled his pants down just a bit-exposing more of his pale flesh. It appeared this action was, somehow, supposed to be of some sort of importance.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Did you just…strip a bit," Harry asked reluctantly.

"What does it look like," Edward asked. He then posed himself so that the whole world may view his pale and perfect body. Harry, and Voldemort, along with the author, looked away in horrid disgust.

"I'm beginning to wonder whether or not we should even have our wands out," Voldemort muttered.

"I love you Edward," Bella said.

"I love you too," Edward said. He turned back to Harry and Voldemort and smirked/ smiled/ did the dirty. "You'll regret trying to hurt my precious Bells."

"Did you just call hers _Bells_," Harry asked in disgust.

"Who reads this crap," Voldemort said in a sickened tone. "I mean…really? Stripping down to your underwear? Calling your girlfriend ridiculous pet names? Whatever happened to _Interview with a Vampire_?"

"I believe it was taken down from the fanfiction world," Harry answered. "The rumor goes that Anne Rice disliked people using her characters."

Edward chuckled.

"What's so funny," Harry asked.

"You," Edward said, "you really think that's the reason _Interview_, along with all of Anne's other stories, got taken down?"

Harry and Voldemort eyes widened.

"You didn't," Harry said, his head shaking in disbelief.

"Yes, Potter," Edward said, "because of its popularity, and it making actual sense in the many rules that vampire ought to follow (since a shiny vampire really makes no sense), I entered the world and destroyed it!"

"But," Harry said, "But…that's impossible-you…me…none of us even existed when that happened?!"

Edward laughed/cried- "space for rent" even more.

"You forget," Edward said, "I was once a wizard!" Edward then pulled a time turner from his pocket and let the two wizards view it. "How else would I be over a hundred years old?"

"You destroyed one of the most memorable vampire series," Harry said.

"And one that doesn't suck," Voldemort said, "I may not be a Rice fan, but this mortifies me to such a level---!"

"That's my Edward," Bella then said, her body magically appearing in front of Edward. She wrapped her arms around his half naked body, her face nuzzling his.

Harry took off his glasses. He was still too innocent to have to see something like that. Voldemort kept staring, as he had seen worse…but not much.

"Oh Bella," Edward said, "I love you so much…if only I weren't such a hideous monster…"

"Oh Edward," Bella said, "You have no idea how beautiful you are to me…without you I wouldn't know what to do. I mean…who knows what would have become of me if you were not in my life? I probably would have to have studied harder, graduating in honors or something stupid like that-go to and finish college- get a well respected job, make money and live a successful life…"

"And that would be _bad_," Harry asked. "Hell, I would kill for that!"

"Oh Bella," Edward said, casting a dreamy look to his female lover.

"Oh Bella," Bella said back to him.

"No, your Bella," Edward then corrected, "I'm Edward-you silly thing you…"

"Oh…," Bella said stupidly…no correction, in her normal tone which just so happened to be stupid, "Right…." Bella smiled at Edward. "Oh Edward."

"Oh Bella…"

"Oh Edward…"

"Oh Bella…"

"OH GOD," Voldemort said. He aimed his want to the sick and disgusting couple. He didn't care about the plan anymore; this was just way too much for the eyes. He would have to see an optometrist after this…

"Voldemort," Harry said, "the-"

But it was too late.

"Avada Kedavra," Voldemort yelled, his dark spell beaming out in a green ray at the two young lover…who were about to kiss.

Edward turned and stared at the flashing beam, his instincts telling him he needed to do something. He needed to protect his Bella Wella, banana fanana fo-fella! He thought in a split nano-second, his options numbered in a tidy list.

In order to protect Bella he could;

Simply take the blow, after all-he was a vampire.

Use his vampire speed to get out of the way, making the spell null and void.

Take a step to the left…since the spell was coming in at a straight line.

Do something stupid and Twilight like.

And as the spell was about to hit the two, Edward did the most heroic thing his dead, gray brain could possibly muster; he pushed Bella out of the way. Just like he had with his brother Jasper; he used his insane strength and grabbed Bella, resulting in bruised skin, and threw her across the room. Harry watched in awe, his mind changing on the whole "we need to work with a plan", and he watched Bella fly across the room in slow motion. He watched her fly across, hitting one of Dumbledore's cabinets as she crashed into it. She roughly fell to the floor, a ton of wizarding goods falling in her, resulting in her breaking her coccyx, spine, phalanges, ulna, carpel's, teeth, fibula, tibia, and some other bones as well. Her skull probably cracked as well, but it was impossible for her to get any dumber. She also had blood running down her skin…but Jasper was not here to kill her…so…well, yeah?

"That was remarkable," Harry said.

"Well," Voldemort said, I wasn't planning on that to happen. But…it works out either way, so I guess it is ok…"

"Ok," Harry said, turning to the dark lord, "it was blood brilliant!"

Voldemort smirked for a brief second, but then both wizards turned their gaze to Edward, who was now lying on the floor. He had gotten hit by the spell, but since he was dead and all, it only stunned him for a bit.

"Hah," Edward said weakly. He wobbled a bit and got up from the ground, his legs a little shaky from the spell. His clothes had, once again, magically been destroyed, and he was wearing his tattered pants that were conveniently cut…giving them the appearance of tattered shorts. "You thought you could rid of me and my Bella?"

"Yeah," Harry said in a very "as a matter of fact tone". "In fact, I like to think we're more than halfway there…"

"What," Edward said in confusion/ confusion.

Harry and Voldemort pointed to Bella, who was groaning loudly in pain and misery.

Edward paled to a color that was practically translucent. He quickly ran over, in slow motion, to Bella. He dropped down to his knees, causing several Twilight fan girls to squeal, as then picked up his poor lover.

He shook her violently as he tried to wake her up.

"Bella," Edward said, "wake up."

"Should we kill him now," Harry asked Voldemort.

"Not yet," Voldemort said his hand in front of the young wizard's chest. "I think we won't need to use our wands just yet…"

And he was right.

"Oh god," Edward said, "Oh god…Bella…you're hurt."

Bella groaned a bit more. "I'm okay…"

"No your not," Harry pointed out.

"This…this is all my fault," Edward said. "I should have known better!"

"No…it's not," Bella muttered weakly.

"Well actually," Voldemort said, "the very fact that he pushed you…kid of makes it his fault."

Bella turned to Voldemort, her eyes wide in shock. Really, she was surprised by this. Edward could never do such a thing, he was perfect!"

Edward got up and sighed. Tears ran down his perfect face.

"I…need to go," he muttered solemnly.

"Edward, don't leave me….again," Bella said.

Harry shook his head. It was like a soap. A really bad soap. Like….a Spanish soap.

Voldemort would have laughed.

"I need to get out of your life," Edward said, "don't you see…I'm a murderer! If my skin didn't say it enough….just look at you…!

The author, rather than insert another speech, decided top just skip to the point.

Edward disappeared.

"Edward," Bella said. She, despite having a load of broken bones; got up and looked about the room-trying to find Edward who had seemingly disappeared from sight.

"He's gone," Voldemort said. He laughed manically at Bella.

"No he's not," Bella said. "He'll come back….I know he will!"

"I doubt it," Harry said. He turned to Voldemort. "Do you think we ought to do something about her?"

"Well," Voldemort said, "there's always complete destruction…"

"Yeah," Harry said, "or we could just send her home…I mean, it would be wrong to kill her…seeing that she's a single mother now…"

"And just barely an adult," Voldemort said, "She'll be the American's government problem now."

"Be quiet!" Bella yelled. "Edwards coming back! I know he'll come back! He would never leave me!"

"He did in New Moon…"

"He'll be back," Bella said. She sat down on the floor and grabbed hold of her legs, rocking back in forth. "I'll just have to wait…."

"You should go home," Harry said, shaking his head. "I mean, don't you have a little girl and all?"

Bella continued to rock about, ignoring Harry and Voldemort. The two wizards were a bit unsure of what to do? Kill her….and give the kid to an orphanage, one that was better than the one Voldemort went to, or juts wait it off.

The two went for the lather. They both found themselves a chair and a wizard magazine and waited. Worst came to worst, she would die of starvation and lack of bathing…

And so they sat…

…

…

January…

…

…

February…

…

…

March…

…

…

…

…

..

.

Edward popped out of nowhere, only wearing a speedo with the colors of the Italian flag. He looked around the room and stared at the changes that had happened while he was gone.

Harry and Voldemort got up from their seat. Bella, who was covered in cobwebs, got up from her position. She smiled idiotically and had tears running down her eyes.

"I knew you would come back," she said.

"Well, what do you know," Harry said. He turned to Voldemort. "Do we kill the now?"

"Not yet," Voldemort said, "give it some time…"

"It's been months," Harry said.

"Don't worry, I have it all figured out."

Voldemort then pulled out his wand, the wand that was used to kill so many people, and he threw it on the floor. Harry was shocked. He watched the wand roll a bit, before finally stopping. The young wizard looked to Voldemort as if he were mad.

"What are you-?"

"Silence Potter, and watch," Voldemort said, pointing to the sickly romantic scene that was about to unfold.

"Oh Bella," Edward said, "I was wrong-I shouldn't have left you in the first place, I was so wrong-so very very wrong."

Bella giggled.

"I forgives you," she said playfully. (I did that on purpose)

"Really," Edward said, smiling just a little. He really was smiling…at least, it looked that way.

"I'll always love," Bella said.

"Oh Bella," Edward said. He opened his pasty arms. "Come here!"

Harry almost threw up as he viewed Edwards's practically nude body. By god, and he thought what he did to the horse was disturbing…

Bella laughed a bit…eww, and skipped over to Edward. Voldemort smirked and watched his plan fall into play. As far as he was concerned, there was no reason for him to waste any more spells on the two. It was a waste of time and productivity. If it were any other vampire, sure-but these guys? Heck no. and so, he smiled as he saw Bella run to Edward, not noticing his wand lying on the floor.

She ran.

And she ran.

And she tripped over that wand…

And she fell to the floor, her nose crushing into her skull-resulting in a quick and instant kill, as her bones were broken into her skull and penetrating into the brain. Why, because the author read _Ender's Game_ and figured it a justified death for someone like her. A torture death would have been to violent for this T rated story anyways.

And so, she was dead. So very dead. She was so dead that the author of the story would have cried tears of joy…if she had a soul. Like that….or as TeamFourStar would have put it; cadaverific.

Harry's jaw dropped.

Voldemort broke into laughter.

Edward…well, there was no real way he could be described at the moment. The vampire slowly walked over to the dead Bella and stood right next to the limp body. His arms, which were still out and open, then fell to his sides…

She was not going to be getting up anytime soon.

The vampire gritted his teeth, did a knuckle bite, gritted his teeth some more, and the turned to Harry.

"You…," he said finally, his face laced with tears of a murderer.

"Yeas," Harry said, his wand out and ready for attack. Voldemort know had his defense up as well. Edward looked pissed, which mean he was sure to do something right? Just because nothing happened in the fourth book didn't mean this fanfiction would end without a-

"I'm telling," Edward said suddenly.

"…Whhhhhaaaaa," Harry said.

"You heard me," Edward said, "I'm telling on you!"

"Uhm, is that supposed to be threatening," Harry asked.

"Just wait till Stephanie hears about this," Edward said, his pale finger pointing at the chosen wizard.

"Exactly as planned," Voldemort said with a smirk.

"What," Harry said, turning his attention to Voldemort now.

"She'll destroy you both," Edward said.

"I bet she will," Voldemort said sarcastically.

Edward was not very pleased with his reaction.

The vampire growled angrily/ sadly at the two.

"You will both pay," he said.

"Whatever," Voldemort said, "just send your sick master over here…"

"This isn't a game," Edward said.

Voldemort simply shrugged him off.

Edward looked down to Bella. He shook his head. Then he ran off, determined to tattle tale on the wizards.

Harry frowned. "He's going to send Stephanie on us…I hope your proud of yourself."

"Oh potter," Voldemort said. "You do realize that Bella will only come back to life as long as Stephanie lives?"

"What," Harry asked.

"As long as that woman lives…we'll never be free to try to defeat each other," Voldemort said. "After all-I have been killed by you many a time…and I still live. In order to kill cancer you need to remove the cause."

Harry nodded his head.

"I understand," Harry said. "So…we need to prepare ourselves for the battle to come?"

"Not exactly," Voldemort said, "we can only assume she'll send everyone to go after us…and, unfortunately, we do not stand a chance with just us two…"

"What will we do," Harry asked.

"Well," Voldemort said, "I normally wouldn't suggest this-but I suppose a visit is in order…"

"A visit," Harry asked the dark wizard.

"Yes," Voldemort said. Harry watched Voldemort strut over and kneel down. He saw the time turner in Voldemort hands.

"The time turner," Harry said.

"We'll need reinforcement," Voldemort said, "and if you want Dumbledore…"

"Dumbledore," Harry said ion shock. The wizard looked over to the calendar and gasped. There was no way Dumbledore was alive now!

"Do not worry," Voldemort said, "we have this device…we should be able to go back and save him…"

"Of course," Harry said.

"Come on Potter," Voldemort said, his hand out to the wizard in a very non-yaoi fashion. "We're off to go find our army!"

"Dumbledore's army!"

"Uhm-no-just our army," Voldemort said, "don't get too carried away…"

"Oh…ok then…"

* * *

Meanwhile…in the past…

"You are so hot, you know that," the young tanned man said in a very romantic and lustful tone. He smiled, "you're the hottest thing I've ever seen…so attractive and mature…and yet so innocent…"

He placed a finger on the face of his romantic and blushed.

"What I wouldn't give to have you right now-"

"-Jacob," Quil said in a somewhat annoyed tone, "stop talking to that three month old and help us tie up the old man!"

Jacob groaned and got up from the theatre seat he was currently occupying. He placed the tiny baby….who he loved in a very inappropriate way, down and walked over to the group of shape shifters that were tying down Dumbledore. But, before doing said task, he turned and gave the baby a lustful and loving look…

"I'll be back," he whispered.

"Jacob!" Sam yelled, "Come on-we have to get this old geezer to conform or else that filthy vampire will angst all over us!"

"And you now how much we hate his angst," Quil said.

"Almost as bad as his stench," Embry said with a chuckle.

Jacob nodded his head and hurried over to the group of wolf people freaks. He stared down at the pathetic old wizard and smirked. He would show this old wizard who the superior story was…

Or his name was not Jacob Black!

…

Which it was…

To be continued!

* * *

Yeah, hopefully I'll have this done in one more part. The next chapter will be really long...as there will be an actaul battle-which would be ironic for all the Twilight characters. Jacob...yeah, there's gonna be a lot of bashing for him in the near future.

Lastly, I would really appreciate it if I recieved a review. I'm being a lot more strict with my stories right now, and a lot of them are on hold right now due to reviews. This story is currently not on a hold, since you all have been pretty fair with the submitting, but it would be cool if I got some more. I would really hate to put this story on a hold-especially since it is so close to completion. Also, if you do read my other stories and enjoy them, but do not review them...well, now is the wake up call of your lifetime. (check me profile for more info)

Lol-but seriously...review.


End file.
